Nice and Kind

The central question in any society is "How do you define kindness?" and how this relates to Niceness.  It seems God is sending me a message about understanding these two concepts: being nice and being kind.  

Nice vs Kind

My definition of Nice and Kind 

After considering other perspectives and discerning the Face Tests I have concluded that being nice, being kind, and being loving are all choices.   And being not nice, being unkind and being unloving are all choices. 

Simply niceness is a choice. 

Simply kindness is a choice. 

Knowing oneself is the key to the understanding these.  We need to keep in mind -- that in times of weakness the choices we make are still centered on love.  The search for love if we are empty.   The sharing of love if we are full. 

Some will question why did God allowed so many different cultures to exist, especially if they conflict so much?   And then declare this is the most unkind act of God.  

I prefer to understand the diverse approachese to nice-kind to be the nicest mysterious act of God - maybe so that we may become more like God.   To understand that the choices we make are all interconnected in this beautiful quantum entanglement of humanity. 

Today, Americans are being nice but not very kind to each other.  And this is a choice we all make collectively.   Simply, we refuse to embrace the discomfort in our diversity.   And many seek power as the means to removing the discomfort; offering the image of embracing while refusing to help others carry their bags.  To know the essence of America is to embrace the beautiful gift of our diversity from God.

So, how do you define kindness?

Below are other perspectives to help you,   

Contents:

- Other Perspective:
    - Influencers: Sinek-Noah
    - Influencer1: Authority on Nice and Kind
    - Influencer2: Struggle with nice vs kind

- Nice vs Kind Tests
    - Culture of Nice and Kind
    - The Real Love Test
    - The "What would Jesus Do" Test?

Other Perspectives:

Influencers: Sinek-Noah

I first found this discussion by Sinek-Noah on Niceness vs Kindness which provided some good perspectives on the difference of these.  Two key points resonated with me:

Niceness	Kindness
focuses on making everyone feel.        as if everything is good	embraces the discomfort that is going on.
the performance of being kind (not the neccessity)	demonstrates       the necessarily for action

Influencer1: Authority on Nice and Kind

And then I stumble on this blog on the-essential difference between being nice-vs-kind.  It provided a good story of the founder of a company was very nice and agreeing with everything said by the influencer at interview.  But did not get the job. 

Ultimately, the blogger declare the 5 fundamental differences:

	Niceness	Kindness
Motivation	keeping peace	real empathy
Authenticity	agreeing,      keeping things smooth.	deeper authenticity
Impact	pleasant in the moment	transformative     (growth, healing, and seen)
Expectations	expectation of a return	No/Low expectation
Assertiveness	avoiding discomfort  (harmonious)	honesty  (hard)

It is clear that niceness gets a bum rap.

Influencer2: Struggle with nice vs kind

Another famous influencer (soulrobdad) posted about "Nice and Kind" offering these not the same.  And  being honest about struggling with this topic when he raised: "But naming the difference? That shifted everything. ...What do you think—are you being nice or kind?".   These resonated with me:

Niceness	Kindness
Nice kept me agreeable,      avoidant, and slowly resentful.    -- keeping others comfortable.	Kindness is rooted. Honest. Sometimes uncomfortable       starts with being honest with yourself
the performance of being kind (not the neccessity)	demonstrates       the necessarily for action

Nice vs Kind Tests

Going forward, I decided to use the "Face Test" (or zipper is open) to help understand being Nice or Kind.

Culture of Nice and Kind

Noah points to culture and declares "Scandinavians are not nice but are very kind.:".   I don't know many Scandinavians so I can't say. 

Central to the Japanese culture is making sure NO ONE loses face in a public setting.   A Japanese friend once asked "do you know the purpose of a meeting?".  Is it fair to say that most Euro-Nordic cultures would say that the purpose is to "hash things out", to "bring clarity and align on situation / goals".  The Japanese friend corrected me and said - "to discuss what has already been agreed too".  Ie. the unkind / not nice actions are done in the back and in private. 

Being Latin I can say that Latins are very nice, but Latins are not kind.   Life is filled with very few earnest compliments with a lot of chisme (kidding) and put downs intended to raise laugher.   The more joyous the discussions the better the rhythm of the community.  It is the rhythm that drives the happy feelings - not the words nor their effects.  Kinda like the rhythm of Latin music - always upbeat. 

Is it fair to say that British culture would never allow someone to point in public the item on the face.  Take them aside and talk with them.  

And what would one say about German culture?  Dang, that is not very kind. 

Clearly,  Nice vs Kind is a concept related to relativity.  

• Culture A would declare it is not nice to remain silent in the case of the Face Test.  It is a kind thing.
• Culture B would declare it to be unkind to raise the issue in public - your being nice. 

The Real Love Test

The Real Love author uses the 3 conditions for saying something to someone for it too be considered "Real Love":

1. Is it necessary to say it?
2. Can you saying in love (kindly)?
3. Can the other hear it in love?

So now nice/kind is relative to being loving.  Simply, being loving is always greater then being not-loving.  And Rule 3 is critical which is to understand the culture of the person you are engaging with.  Ie. to know oneself is critical to this question.  

The "What would Jesus Do" Test?

I'll begin with Matthew 18:15 about approaching someone that has sinned.  Matthew says - go to them in private, be gentle and confront them.   If that fails then escalate to involve one or two witnesses and ultimately cutting them off if the sinner does not repent.  It seems this is saying - try to be nice to sinners (which everyone is) but if they don't conform then cut them off - a very unkind thing to do.  But may be necessary in some cases.  Which modern psychology states is healthy for the judger. 

Then we can point to many Bible verses and declare how God is clearly not nice nor kind - given the  harsh, terrible actions done within the Bible stories.   Leaving many to declare that God is neither kind nor nice. While other will declare that God is love and all of God's actions are loving.   

Which helps me understand why so many people declare the Old Testament not very nice while the New Testament is so nice.   Thus attributing God's kindness as different in the OLD vs NEW testament.  And allowing such individuals to make the false claim that God is loving in the NEW but not very loving in the OLD.  In reality, God is ALWAYs loving.   Thus, I conclude that the act of judging either someone else or our own actions as nice-not nice, kind-unkind,  and loving-unloving is a key element of the difference. 

Finally we see that Jesus turns over the tables in front of the Temple and berates the religious leaders for their actions and how it harms the image of God.  Are these nice or kind actions?  At the same time are the miracles of Jesus showing how being nice and kindness is possible and able to overcame any situation.

Wow!  Back to where I started...